Ask Dr. Barb: Sister says mom’s boyfriend asks her out

Dear Dr. Barb: My mom is a 79-year-old widow who has been dating the same man for 10 years. He’s 81, says stupid things and looks like Ebenezer Scrooge, but he’s very good to her. Like Scrooge, he’s tight with money, but he bought my mom a car and he makes improvements in her house. They spend a lot of time together and take trips.

I was visiting my mom recently for a family event, and my sister told me “James” has asked her out several times. My sister has had a history of mental illness, and my brother thinks she may have misinterpreted something my mom’s boyfriend said, but I don’t think so. In the meantime, my sister has not told our mother, and we all act as if everything is normal.

Although James is not blood-related and my sister is 50, this whole thing makes me think of incest and pedophilia. I don’t want my mother spending time with a creep who wants to date her daughter.

I should add that when my sister was getting divorced, James put up money that allowed her to get a new condo, and she and my mom have repaid him. My sister has never been the type to stand up for herself, and my brother has offered to step in. What should we do? I am still processing this, but I don’t believe that acting as if everything is normal is a sustainable approach.

Name and town withheld

Hello,

You are absolutely correct. Acting as though everything is normal when it is not normal is not a sustainable approach. Clearly if your mom’s boyfriend were trying to date your sister, his behavior would be extremely inappropriate. His indiscretion would not only be a breach of your mother’s trust, but more important, a family violation of sexual and generational boundaries. This problem would resemble a role pattern that often takes place in incestuous families with the father or stepfather as the perpetrator, the daughter as the victim and the silent others, includ ing the mother, who either does not know or pretends not to know.

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Ask Dr. Barb: ‘Perfect’ groom could mean future misery

Dear Dr. Barb: My best friend is engaged to a guy who is funny, handsome, well dressed and very successful in his work. Everyone in our group of friends likes him, and her family loves him. The trouble is, he micromanages her appearance. We all dress well and keep in shape, but he goes beyond her hair and nails. He even wants her to have the fine hairs on her arms and fingers waxed! She loves him and wants to please him, but confides that his demands for perfection make her feel she might not always measure up. She considers him a great catch, and usually laughs off his light-hearted critiques of her appearance that are sometimes public. She can’t always hide when she is hurt or embarrassed, but she believes he is right when he says that perfect grooming will help her both professionally and socially. I don’t want to get involved with her relationship, but I am concerned that her psyche is being affected in an unhealthy way. What are your thoughts on this?

Suzie, town withheld

Dear Suzie,

Your concerns about your friend’s relationship are realistic. First, her fiancé’s criticisms of her appearance are superficial and shallow. Moreover, as you pointed out, criticizing her in public is hurtful and embarrassing.

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Ask Dr. Barb: Getting help for suspected teen drug use

Dear Dr. Barb: What do you do if you suspect your child is using drugs and you have already confronted the child about it but don’t believe you are getting the truth? My husband left us two years ago and my 15-year-old has had a hard time coping with the loss and how our lives have changed as a result.

 — Name and town withheld

Dear Parent,

The stress of a marital separation or, even worse, spousal abandonment, can take an enormous toll on a family psychologically, physically and financially. With the onset of marital separation, the family itself has to reorganize without much time to mourn the emotional loss of the missing parent.

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Ask Dr. Barb: New love and new job might not mix well

Dear Dr. Barb: I will be moving out of state at the end of the month for a great new job. I am looking forward to the lower cost of living, but I am terrified about being in an unfamiliar place with no family or friends. It’s a challenging, professional position, and I expect to work long hours to establish a good reputation. I will also be leaving behind a relationship that no longer works. Do you have any tips on how I can make the best of this new situation? I would really appreciate your advice on every level, and I will be hoping to read your suggestions online.

— E.J., Garwood

Dear E.J.: Congratulations on landing a great new job!

You are to be commended for making such a big change in moving out of state to an unfamiliar place without family and friends. And, you will be making this change for good reasons: a new challenging job will provide opportunity for professional growth; a lower cost of living can enable you to save money and reduce financial stress; and leaving behind a relationship that no longer works should allow for a fresh start.

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Ask Dr. Barb: Accepting change is key to graceful aging

Dear Dr. Barb: I have read all of your older columns online, and I am inspired by your long marriage as well as your successful fight against cancer. I always appreciate your thoughtful insights, and I wonder if you could discuss how you dealt with the challenges of getting older. You appear to be in great shape, but I wonder if you have ever wrestled with feeling less attractive with age or if you ever felt discouraged when you weren’t physically able to do things you once did with ease.

— Gloria, Union

Dear Gloria: I am delighted that you have been reading all my older columns online and that you find them insightful. Now, perhaps I can offer you additional insight about getting older.

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