Ask Dr. Barb: Sister says mom’s boyfriend asks her out

Dr. Barbara RosenbergDear Dr. Barb: My mom is a 79-year-old widow who has been dating the same man for 10 years. He’s 81, says stupid things and looks like Ebenezer Scrooge, but he’s very good to her. Like Scrooge, he’s tight with money, but he bought my mom a car and he makes improvements in her house. They spend a lot of time together and take trips.

I was visiting my mom recently for a family event, and my sister told me “James” has asked her out several times. My sister has had a history of mental illness, and my brother thinks she may have misinterpreted something my mom’s boyfriend said, but I don’t think so. In the meantime, my sister has not told our mother, and we all act as if everything is normal.

Although James is not blood-related and my sister is 50, this whole thing makes me think of incest and pedophilia. I don’t want my mother spending time with a creep who wants to date her daughter.

I should add that when my sister was getting divorced, James put up money that allowed her to get a new condo, and she and my mom have repaid him. My sister has never been the type to stand up for herself, and my brother has offered to step in. What should we do? I am still processing this, but I don’t believe that acting as if everything is normal is a sustainable approach.

Name and town withheld

Hello,

You are absolutely correct. Acting as though everything is normal when it is not normal is not a sustainable approach. Clearly if your mom’s boyfriend were trying to date your sister, his behavior would be extremely inappropriate. His indiscretion would not only be a breach of your mother’s trust, but more important, a family violation of sexual and generational boundaries. This problem would resemble a role pattern that often takes place in incestuous families with the father or stepfather as the perpetrator, the daughter as the victim and the silent others, includ ing the mother, who either does not know or pretends not to know.

In your situation, however, there is no blood relationship. James has become part of the family, assuming the role of a stepfather and caretaker. Though tight with money, he has been financially generous with your mom and your adult sister by loaning them money, buying your mom a car and making improvements to her house.

Of course, it is understandable that a certain amount of caution is necessary in this context, as your sister may have misinterpreted James’s intentions. However, as in any report of sexually inappropriate behavior, it is irresponsible and unsafe not to take the information seriously. And, assuming your sister is a victim, it would be indefensible to ignore her cry for help. As you mentioned, she has a history of mental illness and is unable to stand up for herself. In that regard, although of adult age, she is a single woman, emotionally and physically vulnerable, and needs the validation and the protection of family members. Dismissing her need to be taken seriously in this kind of situation would surely aggravate her mental problems and would leave her feeling extremely distressed and totally abandoned.

However, I am concerned not only about your sister’s emotional and physical safety, but about your widowed mother’s situation as well. It is apparent that she has benefited from her 10-year relationship with James. He has
been very generous to her with both his time and money. However, protecting your mother from knowing of her boyfriend’s reported indiscretions would be leaving her in a situation that is just as emotionally unsafe as the situation of her daughter.

After all, your mother is 79 years of age and it would be shocking, if not traumatic, to suddenly become aware of such a problem on her own. At least by honestly informing her of what may be taking place, you are allowing her to work through this problem with the emotional support and understanding of her children. By addressing the problem together, options like your brother stepping in can be thoroughly discussed.

Another option may be to consider James’s mental state. Given the fact that he is 81 years old and, as you mentioned, often says stupid things, some cognitive decline with symptoms of dementia, not atypical of someone his age, is entirely possible. In the early stages of dementia, there are not only signs of impairment in memory and thinking, but also negative changes in social judgment, which often impact on communication and behavior. If James is unable to control his behavior for these reasons, it would only be right to enable him to get the appropriate help he may need.

Of course, if the problem is true, there is also the possibility that your mom already may know it or deny it when you tell her. Having enjoyed James’s companionship and generosity for 10 years, she may be afraid to let go of the relationship. In fact, the more dependent she has become on James, the more she may value her independence from her children. If she does not take your sister’s side, it will be necessary for you and your siblings alone to stop the problem. It may be uncomfortable for you to act like parents in charge when you are the children. However, knowing that something harmful might keep happening, and not stopping it, only makes everyone in the family a victim. Keeping family secrets because you are afraid to disturb the status quo is not a safe option.

Barbara L. Rosenberg, Ph.D, is a licensed psychologist and chair of educational and social programs for the Essex-Union County Association of Psychologists. Her Summit practice serves individuals of all ages, as well as couples and families. E-mail your questions to AskDrBarb@AtHomeNJ.com, or contact Dr. Barb through BarbaraRosenberg.com.