Ask Dr. Barb: New love and new job might not mix well

Dr. Barbara RosenbergDear Dr. Barb: I will be moving out of state at the end of the month for a great new job. I am looking forward to the lower cost of living, but I am terrified about being in an unfamiliar place with no family or friends. It’s a challenging, professional position, and I expect to work long hours to establish a good reputation. I will also be leaving behind a relationship that no longer works. Do you have any tips on how I can make the best of this new situation? I would really appreciate your advice on every level, and I will be hoping to read your suggestions online.

— E.J., Garwood

Dear E.J.: Congratulations on landing a great new job!

You are to be commended for making such a big change in moving out of state to an unfamiliar place without family and friends. And, you will be making this change for good reasons: a new challenging job will provide opportunity for professional growth; a lower cost of living can enable you to save money and reduce financial stress; and leaving behind a relationship that no longer works should allow for a fresh start.

Moving your life forward with new experiences can be a wonderful way to start a new year. However, moving on your own to a new state, facing the demands of a new job and making new friends will be an adjustment for you, and it is natural to feel nervous about how you will be able to manage all these changes. My first bit of advice is to keep your expectations realistic.

It takes time, perhaps many months, to become accustomed to unfamiliar surroundings, and learning to find your way around a new location will require patience and practice. Do not be too self-critical if at first you feel a bit confused and lost. You might even try the use of technology, such as a GPS in order help navigate from one destination to another.

A non-technology GPS, namely internal mindfulness, also can guide you in navigating the demands of a new job. In order to establish a good reputation with your boss, you will be making choices as to how to manage your work time. Your mental GPS can help you strategize to meet realistic goals or recalculate when you lose focus.

Sometimes you may be working long hours to get your work done. However, being overly ambitious may put you in overdrive, resulting in your feeling exhausted and stressed. Being mindful of getting enough sleep and physical exercise as well as eating regular healthy meals will help you stay on course. Without allowing your mind and body to recharge and reset, you will lose positive energy necessary to accomplish your goals. Your ability to balance work and relaxation is the key to effective stress management.

A good balance between work and relaxation will be necessary as well in helping you adjust socially. You will need time and energy outside of work to make new social connections. It is natural that living in an unfamiliar location without friends and family at first may bring on feelings of loneliness. There even may be moments when you will miss the familiarity of the relationship you left behind. As so often happens, you might rush to replace the old relationship without fully understanding your present feelings and needs. Like so many people who do not understanding why an old relationship failed, you may become anxious without someone to lean on, and wind up yet again in a failing romance. Moreover, falling into another close attachment too quickly will distract you from the challenges of your new job.

In the beginning, a healthier alternative would be to just make friends, whether joining group activities that already interest you or engaging in new activities that might interest you. Making new acquaintances and developing new interests will reduce feelings of loneliness and also build knowledge of your surroundings.

I will offer one bit of caution in addition to these good suggestions. Although you probably are making this move for all the right reasons, success on all levels is no guarantee. To make the best of the situation, remember to set realistic expectations and to maintain a positive attitude when you start to feel discouraged. It’s Iikely that you will become more mature and resilient. And learning to cope in the face of challenges is the most important success of all.

Barbara L. Rosenberg, Ph.D, is a licensed psychologist and chair of educational and social programs for the Essex-Union County Association of Psychologists. Her Summit practice serves individuals of all ages, as well as couples and families. E-mail your questions, or contact Dr. Barb through BarbaraRosenberg.com.