Ask Dr. Barb: Accepting change is key to graceful aging

Dr. Barbara RosenbergDear Dr. Barb: I have read all of your older columns online, and I am inspired by your long marriage as well as your successful fight against cancer. I always appreciate your thoughtful insights, and I wonder if you could discuss how you dealt with the challenges of getting older. You appear to be in great shape, but I wonder if you have ever wrestled with feeling less attractive with age or if you ever felt discouraged when you weren’t physically able to do things you once did with ease.

— Gloria, Union

Dear Gloria: I am delighted that you have been reading all my older columns online and that you find them insightful. Now, perhaps I can offer you additional insight about getting older.

It may surprise you to know that I usually do not think of myself as getting older. However, this year I attended my 50th college reunion. In fact, many of my classmates appeared physically older than I expected them to look, some even beyond recognition. Then it occurred to me that maybe I look this old to them as well! However, by the end of the reunion, after renewing old friendships and sharing 50 years of life experience, I was feeling again like an eager college student and looking older was of no importance to me.

The reunion did remind me that I am getting older; I too face the physical and emotional challenges that come with aging. As a psychologist, I know well that people cope with these challenges in various ways. Some individuals become very self-critical about signs of aging. Feeling unattractive, they invest time and money in unnecessary cosmetic surgeries or exhaust themselves in compulsive physical exercise.

Others, having survived a life-threatening illness, become very fearful about their health. They worry continually that the illness will reoccur or that there won’t be enough time left to do it all. There are also individuals who feel overwhelmed and are unable to accept the challenges of getting older. Shutting down and withdrawing, they experience major depression.

How to accept the loss that comes with aging is a significant challenge for us all. Inevitably we all get older, but we do have choices in the way we adjust to it. In one of my earlier articles, “Coping with the Challenges of Serious Illness,” I talked about how staying as positive as I could helped me face breast cancer.

A positive outlook also helps in adjusting to the challenges of getting older. First, try to avoid negative thinking. The belief that looking older means you cannot look attractive is self-defeating and inaccurate. You can look good at any age, but do not try to make yourself look younger than you really are! Also, why not focus on an attractive personality trait like being upbeat, friendly, thoughtful or even humorous. Remember, too, that when we feel good about ourselves, we tend to look even better.

A positive outlook also helps with fears of recurring illness or watching friends around you become ill. Fear itself is a time waster and even more is lost in worrying about the unknown. Challenge the negative idea that time is running out and try to make good choices in the time that you do have. For example, eat healthy, exercise regularly and get enough sleep and relaxation. Keep up with doctor visits for early prevention and treatment. And, above all, try to make the here and now as meaningful as possible.

Whether you are retired or employed, set purposeful goals for yourself and maintain social relationships. Stay active in pleasurable routines without letting them become boring ruts. As an example, keep the traditions that you enjoy such as holiday and birthday celebrations, but add new activities like visiting places you’ve never been to or developing a hobby.

Surrounding yourself with interesting people and learning to do new things will help make life pretty meaningful. Again, getting older is a normal part of life and no one avoids it. As I posed with my classmates in that big 50th reunion photo, my eyes became teary with the sadness that 50 years had passed so quickly. However, I also realized that so many wonderful things happened in those 50 years for which I can be forever grateful. And, right now, I am optimistically looking forward to all the years ahead.

Barbara L. Rosenberg, Ph.D, is a licensed psychologist and chair of educational and social programs for the Essex-Union County Association of Psychologists. Her Summit practice serves individuals of all ages, as well as couples and families. E-mail your questions, or contact Dr. Barb through BarbaraRosenberg.com.