Ask Dr. Barb: ‘Perfect’ groom could mean future misery

Dr. Barbara RosenbergDear Dr. Barb: My best friend is engaged to a guy who is funny, handsome, well dressed and very successful in his work. Everyone in our group of friends likes him, and her family loves him. The trouble is, he micromanages her appearance. We all dress well and keep in shape, but he goes beyond her hair and nails. He even wants her to have the fine hairs on her arms and fingers waxed! She loves him and wants to please him, but confides that his demands for perfection make her feel she might not always measure up. She considers him a great catch, and usually laughs off his light-hearted critiques of her appearance that are sometimes public. She can’t always hide when she is hurt or embarrassed, but she believes he is right when he says that perfect grooming will help her both professionally and socially. I don’t want to get involved with her relationship, but I am concerned that her psyche is being affected in an unhealthy way. What are your thoughts on this?

Suzie, town withheld

Dear Suzie,

Your concerns about your friend’s relationship are realistic. First, her fiancé’s criticisms of her appearance are superficial and shallow. Moreover, as you pointed out, criticizing her in public is hurtful and embarrassing.

Second, your friend’s making light of his micromanaging is of equal concern. Like everyone else, I imagine that she loves him in her belief that he is special. He’s handsome, well dressed, funny and successful. However, because, in the eyes of friends and family, he appears to be so perfect, she probably is afraid to lose him and will be overly anxious to meet his standards. It sounds as though, in her fear of losing him, she has lost her sense of self in this relationship.

You may be wondering what makes him such a great catch. Your friend’s fiancé does not seem to love her in a mature, healthy way. In his demands for perfection, he shows insensitivity to her feelings by embarrassing her in public.

From your description, he seems rather narcissistic. Persons with narcissistic personality traits are over-invested in themselves and tend to concentrate on perfection, power and control. Often they are driven by goals of status and success and they focus on accomplishing those goals at the expense of others. And yet, unlike what you may think, narcissists actually are afraid of their own weaknesses. Always having to appear flawless, they hide their feelings of inadequacy in fear of being rejected.

There are many dangers in loving a narcissist. They require a lot of admiration and attention. Such individuals also have difficulty treating someone they love as a separate, independent person. They tend to be controlling in the attempt to manage all the details of a partner’s existence. The partner becomes an extension of their need to give the appearance of power and status.

As an example, your friend must dress the right way, have a great career, and shine with him at all times in the spotlight. In truth, a narcissist’s demand for perfection is ongoing and relentless, and the partner will never measure up to the demand completely. That said, while I understand your hesitation in getting involved in your friend’s relationship, my recommendation is that you honestly communicate your concerns. I really believe that her admission that she may not live up to his standard tells you that she is confused and needs help. As a supportive friend, do not abandon her although she seems to be abandoning herself.

Here are some suggestions. First, your friend needs to develop more self-confidence. Build her up by praising her unique strengths and talents. Advise her as well that she should be confronting her fiancé, especially when he hurts and embarrasses her. If she rejects your advice, his disrespect and insensitivity over time can develop into mental abuse.

Second, your friend should build a stronger sense of self. She does not need to be in total agreement with all of her fiancé’s beliefs. Reassure her that she is a person with her own feelings and needs that are of worth and importance. She does not always have to change the way she acts in order to please people around her. For example, does she really have to be perfectly groomed to become socially and professionally successful? In fact, success is more likely to evolve from a sense of one’s own inner strength and security. 

Finally, if her fiancé is unable to understand and respect her needs to be more emotionally self-sufficient, support your friend in ending the relationship — as challenging as that may be and as long as it may take. Remind her that it may be sad to break an engagement, but it is far more difficult to end a marriage. And ultimately, if she ends the engagement, encourage her to think positively
about the future, namely being in a relationship with a mature and healthy partner who will treat her with the understanding, love, dignity and respect that she deserves.

Barbara L. Rosenberg, Ph.D, is a licensed psychologist and chair of educational and social programs for the Essex-Union County Association of Psychologists. Her Summit practice serves individuals of all ages, as well as couples and families. E-mail your questions to AskDrBarb@AtHomeNJ.com, or contact Dr. Barb through BarbaraRosenberg.com.