Ask Dr. Barb: Getting help for suspected teen drug use
Thursday, February 26, 2015 at 08:15AM 
Dr. Barbara RosenbergDear Dr. Barb: What do you do if you suspect your child is using drugs and you have already confronted the child about it but don’t believe you are getting the truth? My husband left us two years ago and my 15-year-old has had a hard time coping with the loss and how our lives have changed as a result.
— Name and town withheld
Dear Parent,
The stress of a marital separation or, even worse, spousal abandonment, can take an enormous toll on a family psychologically, physically and financially. With the onset of marital separation, the family itself has to reorganize without much time to mourn the emotional loss of the missing parent. And, on top of all the changes you have had to face, you now suspect your teen is using drugs. Fortunately, you have been attentive to your child’s behavior and have noticed changes that could indicate substance use.
Of course, the big question is whether your teen really is using drugs. Some warning signs can be withdrawing from family activities and responsibilities or disrespecting family rules. At school, there may be a loss of interest in learning, not doing homework, and a sudden drop in grades. Are you seeing emotional and physical changes in your teen regarding friends, appearance or mood? He or she may appear to be unhappy and depressed or unexpectedly become negative, argumentative, confused or anxious.
Please be aware that although your teen may show some of these disturbing changes, they do not necessarily mean that he or she is using drugs. Instead, your child might be struggling with other problems, possibly related to your husband’s absence. Just being a teenager is often enough to bring about such changes.
On the other hand, if you have smelled marijuana on your teen’s breath or body, found remnants of drug paraphernalia or discovered that money or valuables are missing, the likelihood is that your teen is using drugs. Unfortunately, it is not unusual that a teenager, wanting more independence and control, will try to hide the truth.
A teen who is afraid to admit that he or she is using drugs or alcohol might defensively accuse you of being critical and controlling. When confronting your child, it’s best not to engage in a power struggle. Speak calmly and respectfully. Try to convey your love and support by empathizing with how difficult it has been since your husband left.
At the time of your husband’s departure, your child was just starting adolescence, a challenging time both physically and psychologically for all kids. Furthermore, just as he or she became a teenager, you became a single parent, a role adjustment for both of you. And, as you face your own emotional needs stemming from the separation, it is not always easy to understand or handle the emotional confusion your child may be experiencing. Children may feel anger about being abandoned but blame themselves when a parent leaves. Or, a child may feel sorry for the present parent while also missing the absent one.
If you are a single parent who had to return to the workplace, there is unfortunately less
time and energy available for parenting. And if a single income required your family to move to a new town or school, your teen was likely separated from familiar friends and comfortable routines. The difficulties in making these kinds of adjustments can cause severe psychological stress in both parent and child.
Family counseling can help the two of you get through this challenging life transition. You and your teen can learn to honestly express feelings and solve problems together in appropriate and healthy ways. Working through these challenges with professional guidance and support can provide an opportunity for your relationship with each other to grow stronger. And, most important, in time your teenager will feel more happy, confident and secure.
The New Jersey Department of Children and Families funds various family-related programs across the state. If you do not have access to private counseling, call 2-1-1 for help finding options. The United Way of Greater Union County (908-353-7171) can refer for low-cost counseling. Also try Mt. Carmel Guild Behavioral Healthcare System in Cranford (908-497-3925).
If possible, it might help if you and your husband can talk with your teen. It would likely reassure your child that, on behalf of his or her needs, the two of you can cooperate together as parents. However, if your husband does not cooperate, and repeated attempts to talk with your teen are not productive, I recommend seeking help from a psychologist who specializes in teenagers, family and drug abuse.
A trained mental health professional will be able to evaluate the situation and recommend interventions to avoid the danger of harm to your child or anyone else.
Barbara L. Rosenberg, Ph.D, is a licensed psychologist and chair of educational and social programs for the Essex-Union County Association of Psychologists. Her Summit practice serves individuals of all ages, as well as couples and families. E-mail your questions to AskDrBarb@AtHomeNJ.com, or contact Dr. Barb through BarbaraRosenberg.com.