Ask Dr. Barb: Running away from your family

Talking with your spouse about a marriage that isn't working can be the start of fixing - or ending - the relationship. Pixabay photoDear Dr. Barb,

I have a confession. For years, going to work was not only a way to make a living, but a way to escape my family. I could forget — if even for a few hours — about my spoiled, out-of-control teenagers and my spouse who complains often and never wants to do anything fun. At work, I had others to talk to, to look at and to laugh with. Now I am working from home, looking at the same four walls of a den-turned-office. When I come out, it’s to the same drama from the same three people. I think this goes beyond setting limits so I’m not disturbed while I work. Sometimes I’m not sure I even love my family. I feel trapped. Would I be wrong to leave? I’ve never really felt “present” as a parent. We both have good jobs, and I am willing to provide my share of financial support for our children. Maybe I am a person who was not meant for family life?

Dear Reader,

It sounds as though you left your family long before you started working from home, if not entirely physically at least mentally. For years your work provided an escape from family dissatisfaction. Working from home, you no longer have the ability to shut them out, and you are feeling trapped.

It’s possible your spouse and children have also mentally left you. They must sense how emotionally absent you have been. Your spouse could be complaining because you have not been there to support with parenting. Moreover, without help, parenting teens is a challenge in itself that can leave one feeling tired and resentful —  especially after working at a job. It is no wonder your spouse never wants to do anything fun. Also, your kids may be misbehaving in order to get your attention. They may feel as though neither parent is really in control, and perhaps neither really is.

In essence there are communication difficulties between you and your spouse as well as between parents and children. It is understandable why you may feel so unhappy and that you fantasize how much easier life would be without them. However, before assuming that you are not meant for family life, you might begin to look at your own contribution to the problem and assume some responsibility towards improving your family relationships.

A good place to start would be in telling your spouse honestly how you have been feeling about your marriage as well as your relationship with the kids. He or she may not realize that you are considering a separation, and, knowing that, might admit to feeling the same way and be willing to work through the problems in your relationship and family life.

You might want to begin with your parenting roles. Your children may be hurting as much as you and your spouse are. It will be important that your teens view you and your spouse as adults, both in charge of family happenings and able to bring about order from the day-to-day chaos. When teenagers are acting out of control, it is reassuring to them when parents can collaborate to solve problems. Your ability to communicate with each other maturely and respectfully will show your children how conflicts can be worked out with their parents as well as with each other.

At the same time, begin to address your own parental role with each of your teenagers. Though teens are at an age when they want more independence from their families, they still need to be able to fall back on parents with whom they feel a secure and comforting bond. There are many problems and conflicts that they will be experiencing in school and in their own relationships. They’ll need an available and understanding parent to listen and guide them thoughtfully.

If you can begin to function more effectively in parental roles, individually and as a couple, you can then address other communication difficulties. Perhaps the years of child raising and career building have taken too much attention away from the importance of your marital relationship. At the end of the day, there may not have been enough time for each other.

Trying to restore intimacy and emotional connection can be a difficult task. Date nights might be helpful, but there may be years of hurt and anger that have created too much distance in the relationship. Addressing these kinds of problems with a skilled and trained professional can provide you with the emotional safety to appreciate and respect each other’s feelings and unmet needs.

After honestly trying to put the work into rebuilding your marriage, you still may feel the need to end it. At least, through couples therapy and possibly having your own individual counseling as well, you will have learned more about why this particular marriage or any marriage may not meet your needs.

Finally, in divorcing a spouse, you do not divorce your children. In that event, it will be important to be available to them in a loving and supportive manner in order to minimize any negative impact of a potential divorce. And, if you learn to communicate effectively with your spouse, you both can continue to work cooperatively as co-parents. So, you still will have a family role. There is no escaping it!

Barbara L. Rosenberg, Ph.D, is a licensed psychologist whose Telehealth practice serves individuals of all ages, as well as couples and families. She previously chaired educational and social programs for the Essex-Union County Association of Psychologists. Contact her through her website, BarbaraRosenberg.com.