Ask Dr. Barb: Marital cheating also hurts the children

Children will often look to their parents for emotional stability. - Photo courtesy PixabayDear Dr. Barb,

I’ve often heard women being advised to tolerate infidelity and remain married  “for the sake of the children.” Having witnessed three generations of this in my extended family, I wonder how children are affected by an unfaithful parent. Can mentally healthy children be raised in such circumstances  — especially if they are aware of outside relationships? Would this be better for kids than being shuffled between two households with the prospect of mom and dad having a rotation of romantic “friends”? What has been your professional experience? Also, is there a way to choose a partner who’d be less likely to be unfaithful?

Dear Reader,

Staying together in emotional turmoil “for the sake of the children” is a misguided myth. If children become the glue of an unstable marriage, the result is a relationship held together by fear, guilt and perceived social obligation.

The cheating spouse may feel too guilty to break up the family, or want to avoid paying for a divorce. The betrayed spouse may be afraid to be alone or to lose financial security. Both might feel failure in a “broken home.” However, the home is already broken if children bear the burden of their parents’ unhappiness.

At any age, children who become aware of outside relationships can be affected with intense feelings of confusion, anxiety, anger, guilt, shame and sadness.

It is natural for children to depend on parents for emotional stability. If they repeatedly overhear accusations about cheating, or the heated arguments that may follow, they become sensitive to ongoing emotional stress. In these situations, the children may no longer feel psychologically or even physically safe.

With these emotional needs neglected, children may withdraw from friends and family, regress to a younger behavioral stage or act out in rebellion. Some children may worry that they caused their parent to be unfaithful, and, feeling guilty and abandoned, they may try to win back their parent. There can be sadness and anxiety about the betrayed parent, resulting in the perceived need to take care of him or her.

At times, marital infidelity can be a wake-up call that partners’ needs in the relationship are not being met, and so a cheating spouse doesn’t necessarily have to signal the end of a marriage. Couples can survive infidelity if they choose to learn and understand why it happened. However, they must be willing to make the changes necessary to save their marriage.

In truth, it may be preferable to try to save a marriage whenever possible. One example would be when children, very young and in their formative years, need the foundation of a close and consistent attachment to their parents. Nevertheless, in order to repair a relationship, the cheating partner has to work at rebuilding trust. If he or she is unwilling to stop cheating or fails to let go of an affair, the marriage and, above all, the family is unlikely to heal.

In my professional experience, divorce may be a painful and sad process, but, if managed in a constructive and amicable way, the result can be a stronger, healthier family composed of two well-functioning homes. Children’s time with parents can be shared in a balanced and flexible way, taking into account the children’s changing needs, activities and schedules.

When getting involved in dating, divorced parents can learn to be mindful about their children’s emotional needs. Agreements can be worked out between parents about how and when to introduce romantic partners. A revolving door of partners would not be conducive to a child’s psychological safety and well-being.

In choosing a partner who is unlikely to engage in extramarital affairs, one needs to know that person as completely as possible. Of course, married partners will always have differences. In a healthy marriage, a couple accepts those differences and adjusts to them. However, one’s family values can be very telling about the tendency to be unfaithful. I would suggest an open and honest conversation around this topic.

Areas of discussion can include what it was like growing up in one’s family of origin. For example, what was the parents’ marriage like? Did cheating take place, and how was the potential partner affected by it? Also, how important to that person is a family of warm, caring and loving relationships, and how would marital cheating endanger those values?

Sometimes when an individual grows up in a family where cheating took place, it can normalize such behavior. For that reason, cheating on a spouse may be modeled down from one generation to the next.

A person’s character in general would be another area of concern. How honest is the individual you are considering? How kind and considerate is she towards others? Does he show empathy towards you when you are going through hard times? How concerned is she about your feelings, or does she only care about her own? Would he or she think twice before doing anything that might be hurtful to you or anyone else?

Of course, these conversations shouldn’t take place all at once, and any one question may bring forth other questions. Personally and professionally, I believe it really takes time to get to know and understand a potential spouse. On the other hand, questions and the resulting discussions may very quickly indicate a relationship you might want to avoid —  especially if the person is unwilling to even have the conversation.

Barbara L. Rosenberg, Ph.D, is a licensed psychologist whose Telehealth practice serves individuals of all ages, couples and families. She previously chaired educational and social programs for the Essex-Union County Association of Psychologists. Contact her through BarbaraRosenberg.com.