Ask Dr. Barb: Respect is key to move aging parent

Many senior adults prefer to remain independent and in their own homes. Pixabay photo Dear Dr. Barb,

I’ve finally convinced my mother that the house she has lived in since I was a child is too much for her to handle. My father died 10 years ago, and in that time, she has developed several physical limitations. She has agreed to move to a senior community. Trouble is, I’m having a hard time helping her pare down her things. She is highly sentimental. She actually has a purse that was given to her by a dear friend when they were teenagers! Add to that my childhood artwork, greeting cards, her hobby supplies, vacation souvenirs, books, shoes, clothes, furniture and all the lovely objects she’s collected. I know these things represent a lifetime of memories, but I’d like to move quickly. If we can sell in this favorable market, she will have more options when she buys a new place. What is the best way to help someone get rid of things? Could taking so much time be my mother’s quiet resistance to moving from a house she loves? Should I just let her stay there, hire help and hope for the best? I’d like her to be happy, but I am afraid for her safety and my sanity.

Dear Reader,

Downsizing to a smaller home really can be a downer for many elderly persons. In the case of your mother, though she’s said she is willing to move, facing the loss of possessions collected over a lifetime has become emotionally overwhelming for her.

For several years, your mother has been living through significant losses, namely the death of your father, limitations in physical ability as well as having to live alone without a spouse. Now, letting go of sentimental possessions collected over so many years represents even more loss. It must be very unsettling for her to imagine moving into unfamiliar surroundings without all her familiar stuff. Therefore, following through with this major decision may be very challenging for her.

How you and your mother will work through this problem will depend a lot on the quality of your relationship. It sounds as though you both were able to make a difficult decision to begin with, namely moving out of a home that is too much for your mother to handle alone. Your ability to convince her of the practicality of this decision suggests to me that your mother has a trusting relationship with you.

In order to help her move forward, it will be important that she continues to trust you. Start by communicating your respect for her feelings of ambivalence in paring down to move. The articles she cherishes are closely linked to her personal identity as well as past and present experiences. Like many people in her situation, she may be afraid she will lose the memory if she loses the item. Understand that her resistance to letting go is most likely her anxiety about facing loss as well as a major life change.

If you try to get her to move more quickly than she is able, she will only become more afraid, and you no longer will be able to maintain a trusting working relationship. The financial gain in selling the house as fast as possible may not be worth as much as maintaining a collaborative mother-daughter relationship. Perhaps slowing the process can be viewed more as a loving compromise than a loss in equity.

Once you make peace with slowing things down, try to help your mother feel she is in control so she can feel more secure in her decision to work with you. Respect that she is still your parent and that it is difficult for elderly parents to become gradually more dependent on their adult children. Try to guide her without dictating.

One way to give her more of a sense of control would be to suggest that she pick a limited number of items from her lifelong collection to take with her. For items she won’t be able to take, perhaps she could gift them to family members or friends. You could even arrange for a gathering whereby your mother shares a special memory about each item and why she chose to give it to that person. In this manner, your mother can feel her memories  will live on in the hearts of others.

For items of less significance, see if your mother can begin to form two distinct categories, one to keep and one to let go.  However, make sure there is no “maybe” category. It might be helpful to begin in areas that have less emotional significance such as the linen closet or laundry room.

If she chooses too many items to keep, suggest that she donate some to a charity. Her possessions will help others who need them more than she does, and realizing that can create new positive memories for her.  

Finally, if the process of moving and downsizing becomes too much of a struggle for now, you might have to respectfully accept her decision to continue to age in the place that she really loves. However, in getting to that decision, it will be important for both of you to not feel as though you let each other down. It will not be mentally healthy for her to feel guilty about making that choice, nor for you to feel resentful about letting her make her own decision.

In the end, as you mentioned, you can hire someone to help her with physical safety, and you can both move forward with a mother-daughter relationship that feels positive and secure. You will need that quality of relationship going forward anyway in order to face whatever new chal- lenges may await you both.

Barbara L. Rosenberg, Ph.D, is a licensed psychologist whose Telehealth practice serves individuals of all ages, as well as couples and families. She previously chaired educational and social programs for the Essex-Union County Association of Psychologists. Contact her through her website, BarbaraRosenberg.com.