Ask Dr. Barb: Staying positive in trying times

Dr, Barbara RosenbergDear Dr. Barb,

How does a person stay upbeat when everything in the world seems to be going wrong? I am bothered by the rising cost of living, the economy, my self-imposed pandemic isolation, war and people suffering in so many ways. Personally, my life isn’t so bad, but I find myself avoiding the news because there always seems to be something to feel anxious about. Distracting myself with books and movies only goes so far, and it feels like there are so many instances where I am powerless to make a difference. Is there any hope? It’s even harder to feel like this around the holidays.

Dear Reader,

There are so many right now who are struggling with feeling overwhelmed by all the bad news in today’s world. A horrific headline or one more update on the virus can send a person spiraling into feelings of worry and hopelessness.

Avoiding the news certainly doesn’t mean you don’t care, but by avoiding, you can become even more anxious. Some people have learned to strike a balance between total avoidance versus nonstop consumption. They check the news only at a specific time of the day. By doing that, whatever is taking place is pretty much heard only once.

If a mass shooting tragically takes place and a person is checking the media sixty times, it will feel like the mass shooting is happening sixty times. In these moments, one starts to vicariously overidentify with the victims, and grieving can become unhealthy. In so doing, one becomes at risk for emotional burnout. People often feel this way after experiencing trauma.

However, even with hearing or reading about tragic events in a more limited way, it is best not to suppress your feelings. Bottling up your emotions puts you at risk for emotional burnout, whereby you experience feelings of numbness and an overwhelming sense of powerlessness.

Instead, allow yourself momentarily to be mindful of your emotions. Acknowledge feelings of sadness, fear, anger, disgust or guilt. Remember that whatever you are feeling is not who you are. You are only noticing at the moment what you are feeling. Difficult feelings have value and you are worthy of being aware of your own.

Should the feelings become too intense, you can quickly shift your attention to something else. Later, more briefly, you can revisit the painful news at a time when it will be easier to process your feelings and grieve in a calmer and healthier way.

Nevertheless, in spite of all the tragedy taking place in our world, you are not powerless. You can donate money to aid organizations in Ukraine or to areas devastated by hurricanes. You can volunteer with a community group to distribute food and supplies locally or abroad, or give blood to the American Red Cross.

Even just trying to be kinder and more understanding to others around you can make a difference and, according to research, can help you feel better about yourself. For example, smile at the person who checks you out at the supermarket or anyone else who performs a service for you. Research also shows that being supportive and reaching out to others can in many ways protect the body from the harmful effects of emotional stress and also increase the possibility of one feeling stronger and perhaps even happier.

And it does not have to be harder to feel happier and have fun around the holidays. Artist Wendy MacNaughton recently wrote and illustrated a New York Times opinion piece on “How to Have Fun Again.” Kids have fun all the time, she notes, but achievement-oriented adults are out of practice. She recommends tapping into what we did as youngsters — soaring from a playground swing or lying on the grass and watching the clouds change shape.

In the same piece, science journalist Catherine Price, author of “The Power of Fun: How to Feel Alive Again,” notes that fun happens when three states of being come together: playfulness, connectedness and “flow.” A state of flow involves a focus on the present moment, which does not necessarily have to mean being productive. Some refer to flow as being “in the zone” whether having fun with others or even just engaging in an enjoyable activity alone.

According to Price, fun requires being entirely present in your experience without being distracted. In other words, put down the phone and ignore social media! 

Also, find ways to connect with friends without social media. If you have been isolating due to your pandemic fears, push yourself to re-engage with friends you have not seen for too long. It will feel so much better to be together with them once again, even if you choose to wear a mask.

Try having conversations with the friends who boost your mood, the friends with whom you can laugh and have fun. Avoid virus-related conversations or interactions that are more draining than healing. Although there always will be uncertainty about the future, there is no reason to feel guilty about enjoying yourself or feeling hopeful about better days to come.

Barbara L. Rosenberg, Ph.D, is a licensed psychologist whose Telehealth practice serves individuals of all ages, couples and families. She previously chaired educational and social programs for the Essex-Union County Association of Psychologists. Contact her through BarbaraRosenberg.com.