Ask Dr. Barb: How to cope with mother's isolation

Dear Dr. Barb,

Since March, my mother has refused to let any of us in her home because she fears being exposed to Covid-19. When we bring her groceries or prescriptions, we must leave them at the door. I am concerned that she has isolated herself in this way. We all take turns calling her and have noticed that she appears to have been drinking more than normal. Sometimes she’s obviously drunk. (The local liquor store delivers to familiar customers.) She is a diabetic and should not drink, and we all remind her of that. She says she’s worried by what she sees on the news, and that occasional drinks help her cope. She denies drinking too much. When she hasn’t been drinking, her spirits seem low, and daily phone calls don’t cheer her up. What would you advise?

Dear Reader,

Your concern about your mother’s condition shows how the challenges of the coronavirus seem to be taking a mental toll on everyone. Now that we have entered a new phase of relaxing the quarantine, social distancing guidelines are not always clear. Personal differences in risk tolerance may impact relationships.

Since March and April, when the virus peaked in numbers in New Jersey, there are individuals who have relaxed their safety standards more than others, some perhaps in denial that the virus exists. At the other extreme, there are those like your mother, who continue to self-isolate without any letup.

It is understandable that your mother’s diabetes puts her at above-average health risk. And from what she hears on the news, often the worst-case scenarios, she is likely to be terrified of contracting the virus.

Nevertheless, abusing alcohol as an escape from the monotony and loneliness of self-isolating also poses a health risk. Drinking now and then can be relaxing; however, if there are no other pleasurable activities to fall back on, one can become increasingly dependent on it. The situation may then become more difficult for her to manage, as it leads to a vicious cycle between drinking and feeling depressed.

As you might well imagine, just telling her to stop her drinking will not solve the problem. Furthermore, berating or judging her only will make the problem worse and she will not trust your good intentions to keep her mentally and physically safe. It will help to be empathetic, putting yourself in her shoes to validate her distress. After all, given her age and medical challenges, she has good reason to be afraid of the virus. You also might share your own feelings about how stressful the Covid-19 period has been for you and so many others.

Perhaps as she becomes more trusting, you can help her cope in a more positive, less extreme way. Maybe short walks together wearing masks and staying six feet apart could help build her confidence in stepping out. Ultimately, she even may feel comfortable enough to meet in a quiet park with you or other family members.

Help her structure days around healthy activities that might be enjoyable, such as drawing or painting, doing puzzles, watching movies or listening to music. If she enjoys cards or board games, there are ways to play them online with friends or family.

Even keeping up with loved ones by phone will help with feelings of loneliness. It can boost her self-esteem to realize that others appreciate her reaching out and taking interest in how they are doing. Everyone needs social connection and support during these challenging times, and none of us should feel alone and depressed.

However, her drinking problem may be more complex than you are able to handle. If so, you suggest that she gets support from her family doctor or a mental health professional. If she is religious, confiding in clergy can help. Also, due to the virus, consultations can be done privately online.

September is National Suicide Awareness Month, and it can’t be emphasized enough that mental health can never be taken too seriously. However, identifying depres- sion in another person can be difficult. Not everyone shows signs. Some may suffer in silence and, without our knowing, may actually be contemplating suicide.

One of the biggest suicide risk factors is social isolation. People who suffer that way benefit greatly by talking to a compassionate friend or family member. Talking with someone who may be seriously depressed can decrease the likelihood of their suicidal behavior. Depressed people, burdened by long-term problems or struggling with the present crisis, may realize how much they matter when someone reaches out.

In stressful, uncertain times like these, it takes a caring and compassionate community to help everyone realize they are not alone and that it’s no shame to ask for help.

A common mistake is to think that those who talk about suicide will never act on it. If a loved one talks of suicide, get them help immediately. If you or someone you know needs emergency assistance, contact the National Suicide Hotline at 800-273-8255. Another resource for depressed individuals or their families is NAMI.com, the website of the National Alliance on Mental Illness.

Barbara L. Rosenberg, Ph.D, is a licensed psychologist whose Summit practice serves individuals of all ages, as well as couples and families. She previously chaired educa- tional and social programs for the Essex- Union County Association of Psychologists. Contact her through BarbaraRosenberg.com.