Ask Dr. Barb: Divorce brings holiday challenges

Dear Dr. Barb,

I am recently divorced and not looking forward to the holidays. After 17 years as a couple, I dread sending out holiday cards with only my name. Maybe I just won’t. There probably won’t be any parties this year, thankfully, but it will be hard to be alone and fighting back sadness when everyone should be happy. My family will probably be feeling sorry for me at Thanksgiving, and I can’t stand the thought. I don’t want to bring anyone down. What should can I do?

Dear Reader,

When a marriage ends, there is a terrible feeling of loss  — the loss of a love relationship, the loss of identity, and the loss of emotional and, often, financial security. The loss must be grieved, and grief often involves feelings of overwhelming sadness and anxiety. These feelings are normal.

Now that your marriage has ended, you may have never felt so alone. With your partner no longer present, many of the activities and traditions you shared will not quite be the same. At times, you even may worry that you’ll end up alone forever.

Although you dread facing family and friends, you might consider the importance of warm and supportive relationships when you are feeling so sad and lonely. When they reach out to you with caring and love, it does not necessarily mean that they feel sorry for you. After all, being there for others in their time of struggle is an important part of the holiday spirit.

On the other hand, busying yourself with people nonstop enables you to avoid feelings that are important to face. Perhaps the healthiest way to take care of yourself is finding a balance between social connection versus time alone. Choosing to take time apart for yourself is an important part of the healing process.

During time alone, you can quietly reflect on the unhappiness of the marriage. Trying to understand your feelings without judging them can inspire you to learn and to grow.

The paths towards emotional healing after separation and divorce are never easy to navigate. Healing takes time, courage and patience. During this challenging period, you might consider keeping a journal to write down your feelings and reflections daily, weekly or whenever your schedule allows. At some later point, upon reviewing what you have recorded, you may be pleasantly surprised how much you have grown as a person and how much self-understanding you have developed.

Learning to grow during and after marital separation is to become more emotionally accepting of yourself. This is very closely connected to managing feelings of guilt and rejection. It is appropriate to feel some guilt about the ending of a marriage. Something went wrong and both partners were hurt by it. Maybe you and your partner were unprepared for the challenges of marriage. Perhaps you were both unable to develop a relationship to fit your needs, and you did not know how to love and communicate with one another. As nobody is perfect, maybe in time you can learn to accept the fact that you are only human.

On the other hand, it is inappropriate and unhealthy to blame yourself for unrealistic standards set by others such as society, your religion or even family expectations. It is important to remember that a failed marriage does not make you a failure as a person — especially if you were the one rejected. That kind of inappropriate guilt may result in self-punishment whereby, without awareness, you might look for ongoing pain and rejection in future relationships.

Being among warm and supportive loved ones can help restore feelings of self-worth and even self-love. However, married people, no matter how supportive they try to be, might not fully understand the emo- tions you are experiencing.

It may be helpful to find a group of individuals also going through separation and divorce, or even to start one on your own. Talking with others who are experiencing divorce provides a way to feel emotionally accepted and supported. In listening to others, you also learn more about yourself. You learn to be compassionate to yourself by offering care and compassion to others.

In a support group, you also learn how to ask others for help. For example, challenge yourself to reach out to someone you might like to get to know in friendship. Do this when you are feeling calm and more secure so you can reach out to that person for extra emotional support when you feel down. During this time of healing and learning, you may begin to recognize new strengths, including the ability to form new friendships despite what you have gone through.

At times the post-divorce journey may be challenging, but becoming a more knowledgeable and self-confident person can be very rewarding. And, should you decide to move forward and seek a new partner, your ability to understand who you are and what will be required to build a satisfying relationship can help you make a good choice.

Barbara L. Rosenberg, Ph.D, is a licensed psychologist whose Summit practice serves individuals of all ages, as well as couples and families. She previously chaired educational and social programs for the Essex- Union County Association of Psychologists. Contact her through BarbaraRosenberg.com or call her office at (908) 277-4206.