Ask Dr. Barb: Reflecting on a golden anniversary

Dr. Barbara RosenbergIn December, my husband and I celebrated our 50th wedding anniversary. It seems like only yesterday, as a young bride, how excited I felt as the wedding day drew closer. Now as I look back, I realize that I was focusing too much on the walk down the aisle.

I had no realistic thought about the longer walk ahead, the successes and challenges we were to experience together, the journey through life itself.

The first year or two out of the 50 perhaps were among the most challenging. We married young, in our early 20’s. In that era, couples usually did not live together before marriage, so we had a lot to learn about cohabiting on a daily basis. Managing money, sharing a bathroom and dealing with in-laws created numerous conflicts.

It took a lot of effort not to be critical of each other’s weaknesses, and we seemed to lack the tools for productive communication. My tendency was to argue as my parents had. My husband preferred peace and avoided addressing my angry feelings. I remember once or twice, feeling so frustrated that I almost drove home to my parents.

Gradually, we learned to be more respectful of our different needs and idiosyncrasies. He was sincere with his apologies and I lovingly accepted them. We started listening to and understanding each other’s feelings, and our relationship became a more committed and trusting one. Looking back upon it now, I believe we both matured a lot having successfully survived that initial phase.

As in most marriages, our next big adjustment was having and raising children. We had two beautiful daughters and we are grateful to have experienced the joy of bringing them into the world and helping them grow from childhood into their own adulthood. However, in the course of raising them, there were many stressful and anxious moments.

Each daughter went through her own educational, physical or emotional challenges and, as parents, we didn’t always agree on ways to manage those challenges. Our conflicts centered on how best to discipline, namely when to be strict and when to lighten up.

Eventually, through negotiation and compromise, as well as some good professional help, we found a better balance in our parent- ing approach and became more effective in our teamwork. Today, we are proud of the fact that our adult daughters, now mothers themselves, look up to us as role models as they face similar challenges raising their own daughters.

The next challenge in our marriage was my decision to develop a new professional career. When our daughters still were fairly young, I returned to graduate school and earned a doctoral degree in psychology. How fortunate I was to have a husband who supported me in my endeavor to become a professional while a mother at the same time. As my classes were in late afternoon and evening, he left his work early, did carpools, cooked and helped out with our daughters’ homework. Being flexible and taking over new responsibilities, my husband enabled me to be successful in both my career and as a mother. Moreover, he enjoyed his expanded role and being able to experience fatherhood in a very involved and fulfilling way. He is now a loving and devoted grandfather, always happy to help out with his granddaughters in any way needed.

The most current challenge my husband and I had to face was major illness: breast cancer for me two years ago, and for him a recent bout with colon cancer. I went through 32 rounds of radiation and he suffered seven months of chemotherapy. During my ordeal, he drove me to every medical visit and, when he underwent his treatments, I ensured that he was well fed and rested. During those stressful months, we put each other’s needs first and recovery was our top priority. With feelings of love and mutual support, we beat cancer. Once again, as we had learned from earlier challenges, we worked as a team with an optimistic outlook as well as the good sense of humor we have shared from the outset of our relationship.

Sometimes I believe the best moments are those quiet and ordinary ones — just my husband and me, hanging out or driving from here to there. Now healing in the aftermath of our health crises and moving forward on our journey, we realize what is most important to us: cherishing celebrations and traditions with family and good friends, being with our daughters and their families as they continue to grow and mature, and above all experiencing good health. We appreciate all our good fortune, and together look forward to continuing our fulfilling journey for many more years to come.

Barbara L. Rosenberg, Ph.D, is a licensed psychologist and chair of educational and social programs for the Essex-Union County Association of Psychologists. Her Summit practice serves individuals of all ages, as well as couples and families. Contact her through BarbaraRosenberg.com.