Ask Dr. Barb: What teens can learn from dating a ‘player’

Dr. Barbara RosenbergDear Dr. Barb: My husband and I don’t trust our 16-year-old daughter’s boyfriend. He is always pleasant when he comes to the house, but he dresses in a way that seems far too flashy for their age. And he only contacts her sporadically. I think he is dating several girls at once, but my daughter is smitten. We are concerned he will take advantage of her and break her heart. I have heard that teens will rebel when their parents don’t like someone they are seeing. We would appreciate your suggestions on handling this.

— Mary, town withheld

Dear Mary,

During the adolescent years, it is expected and entirely appropriate that a teen will begin to form a social image, which can be quite different from that of his or her parents. Psychologists describe this developmental stage as a time of separation and individuation. Becoming their own person allows teens to feel independent, and it is a necessary step in becoming a healthy, self-sufficient adult.  However, this push for independence and self-determination can present quite a challenge for parents of teenagers.

Whom your 16-year-old daughter chooses as her boyfriend is a great example of asserting her independence. Her preference is not necessarily a rebellion, but more of a need to develop her own identity. Although you believe that the boyfriend’s dress is inappropriate, how he dresses may be exactly what makes him attractive to her. If you and your husband are more conservative in appearance, your daughter may enjoy being in a relationship with someone who presents a different style or image. 

Parents typically feel uncomfortable with their teen’s social choices when they fear those choices are not in the teen’s best interest. In this case, it’s the possibility of future heartbreak. You do not trust your daughter’s boyfriend because he seems to contact her sporadically, leading to the possibility that he may be dating several girls. However, if you communicate your concerns to your daughter, she would most likely view your parental protectiveness as an attempt to control her rather than an act of love.

Furthermore, many teenagers in this stage of social and emotional development do not worry about the long-term consequences of their decisions. They are more focused on what feels good in the here and now. Therefore, before telling your daughter how you feel about her boyfriend, I would recommend that, as parents, you stop and think ahead rather than voicing your concerns.

One challenge of parenting teenagers is finding the right balance between setting reasonable limits versus allowing for their healthy and normal attempts to become more independent. Unless there is good reason to worry about the safety of a teenager’s behavior, parents might try to look at the big picture to assess it in a rational way. In the case of your daughter’s boyfriend, even if you think she’s making a poor choice, can you really stop her from seeing him? Do you have the power to control her feelings about him?

I think a better option is to try to control your fears and focus on the positives. First, her boyfriend always is pleasant when he comes to your home. He’s probably trying to make a nice impression, which shows he cares about how you and your husband feel about him. Second, be grateful that he comes to your home and that she is not hiding him.

Finally, having a boyfriend is a normal rite of passage for a 16-year-old girl and, though hopefully not her only source of pride, provides a boost to her self-esteem. Regarding your worries about his breaking her heart, it’s best to think wisely about this possibility as well. Even if he’s not a “player,” namely one who dates several girls at once, teenage romances often can be impulsive and temporary. What feels attractive today may quickly change tomorrow. In the end, your daughter may feel the disappointment of her boyfriend rejecting her for another. However, learning to cope with disappointment and rejection is important in a teen’s social development.

Individuals learn about themselves and others through relationships, and teenagers need emotional space and freedom to learn from these experiences. So trying to protect your daughter from teenage heartbreak may not be the best way to protect her at all.

Ultimately, as with any challenge that arises when parenting teenagers, it’s best to keep  communication open. If teens are afraid to talk openly with their parents, they are more likely to keep secrets and rebel. Teens will communicate openly if they believe their parents respect their needs. Earning the trust of a teenager comes by listening openly to their feelings without judging their need for independence and self-control. If teens feel their parents are on their side, they will feel safe to come to them as a sounding board for problem solving. As in any good relation ship, compromising and being positive and reasonable are the best ways to solve problems together. When communicating with a teenager, it’s also a better way to work toward his or her safety and well-being.

Barbara L. Rosenberg, Ph.D, is a licensed psychologist and chair of educational and social programs for the Essex-Union County Association of Psychologists. Her Summit practice serves individuals of all ages, as well as couples and families. Contact her through BarbaraRosenberg.com.