Ask Dr. Barb: Lessons in my year living with cancer

Dr. Barbara RosenbergDear Readers:

I am delighted to report that having had two surgeries, 32 rounds of radiation therapy and countless examinations, I am feeling very happy and healthy exactly one year since receiving a breast cancer diagnosis. Even better, my first regular annual mammogram showed no sign of cancer.

However, looking back from the very beginning, it was not easy hearing the word “cancer,” and it was not always easy, even with my training as a psychologist, to manage my fears and confusion. Waiting for test results, I kept thinking,  ‘How could this be happening to me? I have no family history of breast cancer, I exercise, I eat right ...’

Eventually, to calm myself and begin to think clearly, I used the same approach I use with my patients: confronting and reframing self-defeating, unrealistic and catastrophic thoughts. Although cancer often is associ- ated with death, cancer itself — especially breast cancer — is not a death sentence.

And, I needed to accept the reality of the cancer and let go of the belief that I can have total control over my body. I am just another human being, as vulnerable as anyone else to serious illness, but I decided I was not going to cope with the cancer alone. Consulting with doctors and other cancer survivors helped me to look at the illness in a more reasonable and positive way. Gradu ally, I began to realize that I had some good treatment options and that my prognosis for survival was extremely optimistic.

The next phase of dealing with the diagnosis was taking in an outpouring of information that was all new to me. At times, consulting with doctors felt confusing and overwhelming. Therefore, I always had another pair of ears and eyes at my side. Bringing along a caring family member or a friend really helped in two important ways: in recalling necessary information and in having emotional support.

It also was beneficial to take as much time as I needed when making my treatment decisions. I found myself day by day changing my mind about whether to undergo a lumpectomy, partial mastectomy or full mastectomy. After listening to professionals and other survivors, reading up on the latest research, and having quiet conversations with myself, I was able to balance “my heart and my head” and reach a peaceful decision.

Once my decision was made to undergo surgical lumpectomy and radiation treatments rather than mastectomy, I felt like a new phase of dealing with my illness had begun. Again, using a positive mental and behavioral approach, I tried to think opti- mistically and thankfully. My surgery and treatments were time-limited, life saving and had been performed routinely and expertly with good results for thousands of other individuals.

From a behavioral perspective, in order to keep going on with my life and be in good spirits, I focused a lot on taking care of myself and doing what I enjoyed the most. Although treatments were daily, I continued the ongoing work that I have always loved. When not working with my patients, I
made relaxation a priority. I spent time with friends and family when I wanted to. When I needed more time to be alone, I gave myself permission to do nothing special at all.

Luxuriously enjoying the ability to be assertive with others, I made my own choices, one of the perks of coping with a serious illness. Needless to say, everyone was totally understanding and supportive; they stood by me in my selfishness. In this year following my diagnosis and complete recovery from breast cancer, I have learned a lot. It is important to balance your work with pleasure and fun. Physical and emotional self-care has become more important to me than ever, and I do not feel I need cancer as an excuse for that.

I have also become more acutely aware of how wonderful it is to be living and healthy. Even the typical day-to-day annoyances seem to bother me less, and I am less critical towards myself and others. My ability to accept the ups and downs of life now goes hand in hand with my acceptance of a wide range of unpleasant feelings, whether it is sadness about what cannot be changed, fear about what cannot be controlled or anger about the injustice of doing the right thing and having bad things happen. I can feel compassion, not only for myself, but for all others who had or will have to cope with a serious illness. I often remind myself that, in addition to the happy moments in life, annoyances and disappointments are par for the course. How fortunate I am to be alive and experiencing them.

Barbara L. Rosenberg, Ph.D, is a licensed psychologist and chair of educational and social programs for the Essex-Union County Association of Psychologists. Her Summit practice serves individuals of all ages, as well as couples and families. E-mail your questions, or contact Dr. Barb through BarbaraRosenberg.com.