Ask Dr. Barb: Strategies to cope with coronavirus anxiety

Dr. Barbara Rosenberg

Dear Dr. Barb,

My daughter is a recent college graduate who finally landed a great job in her major only to have been laid off due to COVID-19 with no guarantee her small company will be able to recover and bring her back. I also have a son at home who is missing friends and teachers in his last year of high school. He is angry about cancellation of classes, the prom, graduation parties, and, likely, even the graduation ceremony itself. Our family has been sheltering in place, but it has been a very difficult time. Going out to walk regularly is no longer helping me mentally. I am worried about my daughter who has her own apartment and was paying off her credit card and student loan debt. I am worried that money will run out for all of us and that things will get much worse. So far, we are all well, and I am trying to present a strong presence for my children and my husband, who is working from home. Inside, I am afraid and falling apart. What advice would you have for me and my children at this time of unprecedented uncertainty?

Dear Reader,

Although you are sheltering in place, you are not alone in your struggle with the strong emotions brought on by the COVID-19 pandemic. It is not uncommon to feel frightened, frustrated, sad and even angry about cancelled events, disappearing jobs, rent payments and financial loss.

COVID-19 is new and unfamiliar to us all, and it is challenging our ability to cope. Adjusting to life in daily confinement is not easy with only outdoor walks or occasional trips to food stores and pharmacies. How stressful it can become with family members living continually under one roof, working and or taking classes remotely, endlessly preparing one meal after another and worrying about running out of supplies.

Of course, using social distancing, frequent hand washing and face masks are safety priorities to stay healthy. However, remaining healthy during COVID-19 also requires managing emotional stress.

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Ask Dr. Barb: Understanding group dynamics is key in work success

Dear Dr. Barb,

There’s a woman at my new job who was very nice to me early on. Now I suspect that she’s the person who was enlisted to size me up. I know she has been Googling me because she knows things about me that I have not told anyone at work. At first, I was more forthcoming with her because she was easy to talk to and I wanted to fit in. Over time, she started making negative com- ments about other co-workers. I didn’t join in. But the other day she came to talk to me after I had a somewhat tense exchange with our supervisor. I was feeling picked on, and I said things I shouldn’t have. Now I am worried it will get back to the boss. What can I do? It’s a very competitive job and I regret letting my guard down. Work is hard enough, so it’s really stressful to feel that I always have to watch what I say and do.

Dear Reader,

Adjusting to a new job can be very challenging. Getting used to the demands of your workload and trying to fit in can be quite stressful. Of course, your job performance will be top priority. However, in order to get the job done, it will be necessary to get along with your coworkers and, above all, your boss.

Unfortunately, your belief that the workers who surround you cannot be trusted is adding even more stress. You perceive that individuals are talking about you behind your back, and that your boss is picking on you. You seem to feel threatened by what appears to be a competitive work atmosphere and you do not feel safe enough to relax and just be yourself.

Clearly you have not had a good start.

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Ask Dr. Barb: What it means to marry into a family

Dear Dr. Barb:

I never imagined I would be having in- law issues in my 40s. I recently remarried into a tight-knit clan where my husband and I are expected to go on a group family vacation every year. I went along with this when we were dating so his family could get to know me, but I guess I never thought it would be this way forever.

I would rather go on vacation with my husband alone. I don’t think that is unreasonable since we see his family frequently. There is also a lot of competition with his sisters to have a highly polished appearance and dress in a “Real Housewives” way. I do keep myself up, and I consider myself a people person, but on vacation, I’d just like to relax and not feel like I am being judged on so many levels. Plus, I don’t always want to “just go along with the group.” But I do it because I love my husband and I know his family is important to him.

Sometimes I feel selfish about my resentment because I know his parents — and all of us — are getting older. You never know how long any of us will be around. How can I resolve all these conflicting feelings?

Dear Reader: It might be helpful for you to know that in-law conflicts are among the most stressful life-changing events, and marrying a second time does not necessarily make this easier.

In the dating period, when relationships with future in-laws begin to form, usually everyone is on their best behavior. For the most part, dating couples do not spend much time thinking about each other’s family.

However, once this getting acquainted period is over, the reality becomes clearer that you are marrying not only your spouse but his or her entire family, and they may not exactly be your dream family!

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Ask Dr. Barb: An affair doesn't have to mean the marriage is over

Dear Dr. Barb: I am divorcing my wife of 12 years because she has been seeing another man. I am angry and in a lot of pain because I still love her, but I can’t forgive her. I have always been a good provider for our family. I have never strayed. She says I was “emotionally unavailable” and did not act like I loved her. Doesn’t it show love to go to work every day, to help raise our 8-year-old son and two younger daughters, and to work on improving our home? Maybe I wasn’t the most romantic man, but I always tried to do my best in our marriage. I wish she had told me that she wasn’t happy or that there was something she needed that I wasn’t giving her. I hate what this will do to our children, but I can’t live a lie.

Dear Reader: Having recently learned that your wife has been unfaithful, the anger and pain you are now feeling is entirely to be expected. You believe that your wife can never be trusted again, and you have lost confidence in what you thought to be a secure and lasting marriage. However, when struggling with deep feelings of hurt, one’s anger can become overwhelming. It becomes hard to think things out carefully and rationally.

As an example, you may become obsessed in thoughts about your wife’s lies, the details of the affair and what led up to it. Although you may be trying to maintain some sense of righteousness or self-respect, it is not advisable to make impulsive decisions that may lead to ending a marriage.

The affair does not necessarily have to result in an immediate marital breakup. If each, without blaming the other, assumes responsibility for his and her part in the conflict, though not guaranteed, there is hope that your marriage can be repaired. This could be a wake-up call to your wife’s inability to com- municate her unmet needs and your inability to understand those needs.

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Ask Dr. Barb: Mom's accidents may be early signs of dementia

Dear Dr. Barb:

My mother has been forgetting food on the stove until it burns. She seriously scaled her hand while washing dishes, and she stepped on the accelerator instead of the brake while parking and crashed into her house. She seems of sound mind and fine otherwise, but I worry that these are early signs of mental decline. My brother and sister think we should start looking for a nursing home. But I’m against it. My mother always says how much she loves her house and her garden. I know she wouldn’t want to move — not even to live with one of us. I’ve read so much about problems in nursing homes, and of instances where older people who seem healthy die shortly after moving to one. Is it possible that negative emotions around being removed from one’s home could shorten someone’s life? I think it would be better for my mother to live with my family than in a facility. What can we do to make the right choice?   

Dear Reader:

The dangerous accidents your mother recently has had may be more than normal forgetfulness, and more possibly early signs of diagnosable conditions, such as Alzheimer’s or other forms of dementia. It is understandable that you and your siblings are concerned.

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