Ask Dr. Barb: Are all those ladies really your true friends?

Dr. Barbara RosenbergDear Dr. Barb: I sometimes get together for drinks or lunch or shopping with a group of women I met through my son’s school. I like some of them more than others, but there’s a lot of gossip within the group, including judgmental conversations about those who aren’t around. I suspect they discuss my business when I am not there. I have resorted to not sharing much about my husband or family. It doesn’t really feel like true friendship, but I like having other women to go places with. What can I do?  — Sharon

Dear Sharon,

In today’s world, women face numerous problems — unhappy marriages, job discrimination and parenting issues, to name but a few. Women need to have each other’s backs.

It is understandable that you are uncomfortable sharing much about your personal life with this particular group of women.  Gossip can be mean and hurtful. Moreover, it is hard to consider individuals as true friends if you are unable to trust them. When undergoing personal problems, friends you can trust and confide in are invaluable.

Young girls, more so than boys, learn to socially bond by listening to and confirming one another’s feelings. It is often said that girls grow up to be emotional caretakers. However, in taking care of others, women often forget how to take care of themselves. To move forward, here are some solutions to help you become more independent and learn to take care of you.

First, you need to make some new friends.  It is disappointing that you cannot trust the women you hang out with; even worse, you feel trapped because you rely on them for companionship. On your own, consider developing new interests and activities besides shopping and going out for lunch. Perhaps by taking up a sport or pursuing a new hobby, you’ll meet other women who share that interest. Signing up for volunteer work is another good strategy where people work together for a good common cause. Even if you do not necessarily make good friends in any of these situations, at least you can feel good about doing something worthwhile or doing something you enjoy.

When trying to make friends in these situations, do not worry that a new group does not form immediately. At first, try connecting with one or two individuals as it is easier to get to know another person one on one. Learning to trust someone in a social relationship is a gradual exercise rather than an all-or-nothing experience. It takes time to know a person well enough before feeling that individual can be trusted and supportive.

However, there are social situations where you can join a group as well as get to know people more individually within the group. One online resource for this sort of activity is MeetUp.com, which puts together adult groups of all kinds for women, men or both.  MeetUp groups offer all kinds of activities. Hiking, attending book clubs and taking day trips are but some examples. Several of my own clients have had positive experiences with MeetUp activities and groups. Again, in this kind of setting, you only may be able to develop one or two relationships.

Making new friendships does not necessarily mean you have to leave your present group altogether. If you are uncomfortable with gossiping, why not consider speaking up about it? You can tell the women how much fun you have going out for lunch and shopping with them, but that the gossiping feels rather unfriendly and mean. Maybe some of the others will agree with you but were too afraid to speak up. Trying to swim against the tide is always challenging, but it can pay off in the long run. Others in the group may respect and admire you for being assertive and for helping the group become kinder and more caring. If the thought of telling the group something they may not want to hear seems too difficult for you, do not give up.

I can recommend a few books. One is “Your Perfect Right: A Guide to Assertive Living” by Robert Alberti and Michael Emmons. Another, particularly useful for women, is “Dance of Anger” by Harriet Lerner. Working with a cognitive behavioral psychologist also can teach you how to become more assertive.  The psychologist can challenge unwarranted fears, and practice with you through role modeling. Assertiveness training not only improves confidence and self-esteem, it allows an opportunity to form stronger and more satisfying social relationships.  In learning to take care of yourself and others, you will enjoy the newfound freedom of independence.

Barbara L. Rosenberg, Ph.D, is a licensed psychologist and a past chair of educational and social programs for the Essex-Union County Association of Psychologists. Her Summit practice serves individuals of all ages, as well as couples and families. Contact her through BarbaraRosenberg.com.